


So a Reader and a Comedian Walk into a Bar

by sinnerinsecret



Category: US Comedians RPF
Genre: COPIOUS amounts of "New In Town" references (not like that's a bad thing), Comedy, Fluff, Kisses, alcohol use, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-23 09:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14329050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinnerinsecret/pseuds/sinnerinsecret
Summary: That tall child looksterriblewonderful!*not my work--uploaded with permission of original author*





	So a Reader and a Comedian Walk into a Bar

**Author's Note:**

> i commissioned this fic from a WONDERFUL author who very gratefully gave me permission to share it online! i figured this account is good as any because this is where the Crimes go
> 
> it's so perfect and i wanted to share it with the world please someone tell me i'm not alone in the john mulaney thirst,,, i suffer so much every day i just want. to smooch this man. is that too much to ask

“Thank you so much, you’ve been a fantastic audience!” John bows to the audience who are currently showering him with thunderous applause.

 

You clap until your hands sting, with tear tracks staining your face from when you were laughing so hard you cried. The set was amazing. _John_ was amazing. You don’t stop your standing ovation until he has jogged off the stage, and even once he’s gone, you can’t seem to stop smiling. You turn to your friend, and both instantly start discussing how amazing John’s stand-up routine was.

 

“I can’t believe he’s not more famous!” You say, as you and your friend start filing out of the theatre, which is a small building, with chipping paint and worn-out carpets.

 

“I know, right?” Your friend shrugs, “I think he must be up and coming, though.”

 

You smile to yourself.

 

“Yeah, I think he’s gonna be big!”

 

You and your friend flag down a taxi, and when you get in, your friend tells the driver the address of a local bar.

 

“Aw, man, really?” You sigh, with exasperated affection, “I don’t even drink!”

 

“Yeah, but we can just hang out there. Plus, you’ve been to bars before!”

 

You roll your eyes, but give in anyway. You’re having a really enjoyable night, and you decide it wouldn’t be the worst thing to carry it on a little longer- even if it is in a bar…

 

 

* * *

 

 

You and your friend get to the front of the bar with ease. The place you’re both at is small, quiet, and somewhere you often go (whenever you go out to a bar, that is). You order a water, and your friend gets a glass of wine.

 

For a while, you both sit on the stools at the bar, sipping your drinks and talking and laughing. You find that you’re having a really good night still, and you don’t want it to end. At one point, your friend goes to the bathroom, and asks you to stay and watch their drink. Once she’s gone, you zone out a little bit, absentmindedly sipping your water, and casting your gaze around the bar.

 

You instantly snap out of your trance, however, once you hear a familiar voice behind you.

 

“Yeah, a beer and a water, please. Thanks.”

You feel almost frozen, but manage to glance to your left, and see John Mulaney leaning on the bar next to you.

 

Then, he looks over to you, and your eyes meet.

 

He smiles at you, and you feel your stomach flutter.

 

“I’m assuming you’re here against your will, too?” He nods to the glass of water in your- slightly shaking- hand, “That, or you’re drinking a pint of pure vodka.”

 

You laugh, albeit, slightly too loudly, and then clear your throat.

 

“Uh, y-yeah. I’m the sober friend, but I got dragged here to hang out for a while,” You stutter out a nervous laugh.

 

“Me too,” John smiles.

 

He’s given the drinks, and raises his glass of water to you.

 

“Cheers!” He grins, and walks back to the table he had been sitting at in the very back of the bar.

 

Your friend comes back, and you grab their arm in a vice-like grip.

 

“You are not gonna _believe_ what just happened!”

 

* * *

 

 

As the night goes on, you can still feel butterflies in your stomach. You don’t want to seem like a crazed fan, so you don’t try to see if John is still at the bar. You try to put him out of your mind, but you find you keep coming back to that gorgeous smile he flashed you… His sweet laugh…

 

Eventually, you decide your friend has had enough wine, and take them to a taxi.

 

They sling their arm around you, and tell you how much they love you and how good of a friend you are. You simply laugh, and return the sentiments. You help your friend into a cab, and give the driver their address. You close the door, and wave to your friend, then you hear a voice from behind you.

 

“Makes you glad you stuck to water, huh?”

 

Your heart stops momentarily, and you spin around to see John, hands in his pockets, and brilliant smile on his face yet again.

 

You can feel the corners of your mouth turning up into a smile, and your cheeks reddening, so you simply nod.

 

“I just had to do the same with my friend,” He explains, “She’s a teacher, and she was drinking like a _monster_ tonight. And I said to her ‘Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?!’ and she was like ‘Aaah, I’ll just put on a video!’”

 

You both laugh, and you say, “So _that’s_ why they do it!”

 

“Right?!” John replies, “It makes so much sense, looking back.”

 

There’s a beat of silence, and you still can hardly find words, but you manage to ask, “Are you not getting a cab, then?”

 

John shrugs, “Nah, I’m just a short walk down that way,”

 

He points his thumb down the same path you were about to walk down.

 

“What about you?”

 

“I was actually about to start walking the same way,”

 

“Do you want to walk together?” He offers, then hurriedly interjects, “Not that I’m like a serial killer or sex offender or anything! I’m a comedian- which some may find worse.”

 

You laugh, and then tell him, somewhat sheepishly, “Um, yeah, I know you are. I actually saw your show earlier tonight… You were really funny!”

 

John raises his eyebrows, and his grin widens.

 

“Aw, you really thought so? I thought I was a little off tonight, but I’m glad you liked it!”

 

He gestures to the path he just pointed to.

 

“Shall we?”

 

You nod, and fall into step beside him.

 

“You know, I used to drink-- Too much, actually,” John begins, as you walk together, “I’d black out and ruin parties. Or so I was told… One story I heard about myself- this one happened in high school- we had this teacher in high school whose kid went to the high school. His name was Mr McNamara…”

 

* * *

 

 

About fifteen minutes into your walk together, you reach the point where you turn right and John turns left.

 

It has only felt like fifteen _seconds_ to you, full of swapping stories between you and John, and a lot of laughter.

 

“I’m going this way,” You tell him, gesturing to where you are going, and feeling a little melancholic, “But this has been great. It’s been great meeting you.”

 

“Hey, you too!” John smiles. “I don’t suppose you’d wanna meet up again sometime?”

 

The butterflies in your stomach are back in full force once again, and you grin.

 

“I’d love that,” You say, voice on the brink of shaking.

 

“Great!,” John pulls out his phone, “Can I get your number?”

 

You recite your number to him, though your head is spinning, and the say goodnight. You glance behind you once you’re a little way down the street, and see he does the same. You quickly look back towards where you’re going, and try to keep your breathing normal. The rest of the walk home feels like you’re floating on air.

 

* * *

 

 

After a few days of texting, your initial nerves have begun to wear off.

 

John has gone from celebrity idol to, well, John.

To some, the change may be underwhelming, but to you, it’s even better.

 

He feels much more genuine than just a stand up persona. But with this, comes a whole new set of worries.

 

Could this really become… Something?

 

You usually push that thought to the back of your mind, thinking John probably has many more options than just you. Many _better_ options, you often resignedly conclude.

 

“so when can I see u again?” Your phone lights up with the message notification.

 

You can’t help the small smile that creeps onto your face, as you type out “how about tomorrow?”

 

“lunch?” his reply buzzes through almost instantly, “i know this nice place nearby. The Salt and Pepper Diner. and i’ve got a pretty good story about it lol”

 

“sounds good! see you tomorrow at 1?”

 

“see you then! x”

 

You can’t help but re-read the last message twice, blushing at the little ‘x’ at the end of the text.

 

* * *

 

 

“And the waiters were just like ‘Yup! Same shit, different day!’” John finishes his story, and you both dissolve into laughter.

 

The lunch had been amazing, with both of you swapping stories about each other.

 

John had told you all about how he started in stand-up, and about his parents (both lawyers). You even found out that he had the opportunity to audition for the lead role in Home Alone when he was seven, but didn’t do it. At first, you had been apprehensive about talking about yourself. You felt that compared to his life, you would sound simply dull, but once you saw the way he hung on your every word, and how interested he seemed in you, you felt more confident talking about yourself.

 

There was a point where you both brushed hands, and he flashed you one of those butterfly-inducing smiles.

 

The check is dropped on your table, and when you reach for it, John gently grabs your hand.

 

“No, no! Allow me,” He lets go of your hand, and reaches for his wallet, “My treat.”

 

You smile and thank him, and try to ignore the tingling in your fingers. John throws down a couple of notes on the table, and stands.

 

“Can I walk you home?”

 

“Sure!” You say, getting up and walking with him to the door.

 

Outside, the sun shines down on you both, making you feel pleasantly warm. A few minutes into walking together, your hand brushes John’s again, and he intertwines his fingers with yours. You swallow a gasp, and glance at John, who is pointedly looking away, trying to feign a casual expression, but you still notice a blush creeping into his cheeks. You stifle a laugh to yourself, and give his hand a small squeeze.

 

Once at your door, you reluctantly let go of his hand.

 

“This was really fun,” You say, smiling shyly.

 

“Yeah, I thought so too,” John replies, grinning, but then his face falls, “Listen, I’m gonna be pretty busy for a couple of weeks…”

 

 _‘Oh, God,’_ You think to yourself, heart dropping, ‘ _Is he just saying this ‘cause he doesn’t want to see me again?! I thought lunch went well! Oh, man, am I really that oblivious to social cues?’_

 

“But, once I have more time,” John continues, snapping you out of your spiral, “I’d love to go on another date with you…”

 

Your heart feels like it’s going to leap out of your chest. So lunch was an _official_ date! You just had an official date with _John Mulaney_!!!

 

You clear your throat.

 

“I’d love to go on another date with you.”

 

“Great!” John’s grin returns to his face. “That’s great! So, um, I’ll get in touch soon, yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” You nod.

 

There’s a moment of silence between you both, and then John’s expression turns into something determined, and before you know it, he leans in and kisses you.

 

You’re taken aback for a moment, but as you feel him beginning to pull back, you chase his lips, and kiss him gently. His lips are soft, as they move gently against yours, and when you breathe in, you can smell cologne and a subtle hint of cigarette smoke on him- he said he wanted to quit, but it’s hard going for him. His hands rest gently on your waist, and you snake your arms around his neck, and you both melt into the kiss a little bit more.

 

All too soon, your lips part, and for a moment you just stand together, eyes closed, savouring the moment. And then John pulls back a little further. You feel almost proud of yourself at the blush you see on his cheeks, and the way his smile is slightly flustered.

 

“So, uh, I should go,” He murmurs, voice a little lower than usual, “But, uh, I’ll be in touch.”

 

“You said that already,” You reply, huffing out a small laugh, “But yeah, that sounds good.”

 

John chuckles sheepishly.

 

“So I did,” He pulls away, and takes a couple of steps backwards, “So… See you later!”

 

“What are you doing for the next few weeks, anyway?” You ask after him.

 

“A few shows, and I’ve got an audition coming up,” John puts a hand against his mouth and stage-whispers, “It’s for Saturday Night Live!”

 

* * *

 

 

A few years later, you’re sitting in John’s dressing room, watching him pace nervously back and forth.

 

“And then, the Clinton story, and then… That’s it! Did I miss anything?” He turns to you, eyebrows knitting together.

 

You stand, smiling and shaking your head.

 

“Yes, you got everything, darling. Just like the last three run-throughs. Take a deep breath.”

 

You take his hands in yours, and press your foreheads together. John closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath, then wraps his arms around you, and pulls you to him.

 

“Thanks, honey,” He murmurs, pressing a kiss to the top of your head, “I’m just nervous… What if I’m not as good as I think? What if I choke out there?”

 

“Now you’re just being ridiculous,” You pull back, and straighten his lapels as you speak, “You’re gonna knock ‘em dead.”

 

He flashes you one of those oh-so-familiar smiles that always manages to melt your heart, and gently presses a kiss to your lips.

 

“Thank you,” He whispers.

 

He walks towards his dressing room door and opens it. The faint sound of a large audience laughing and applauding drifts down from the stage. You see John take another breath, and he glances back to you before heading out the door.

 

“I was right, you know,” You say, watching him climb the steps to the wings.

 

He turns, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah,” he grins, “What about?”

 

“You’re gonna be big.”


End file.
